it is way too late for this what are you doing with your life

I'm up past my bedtime as usual with weird blasts of ideas and ramblings and projects I want to do.  Trying to wait the hour to update the ol' iphone. 


I have 8 days of school left, and I'm conveniently trying to push them all farther and farther down the line of upcoming days, in a sad attempt to delay my departure.

The parallel of me now and me a year ago is really funny.   A year ago I was so super excited and motivated and ambitious....  and me a year later is now over it and ready to get out of school and ready to jump into the world, I suppose.  

Truthfully, I'm also scared to.  I'm a little scared to leave the comfort of school, the comfort of seeing my girlfriend every day.   But, all of my friends have graduated now and I'm kind of the only kid of my kind left and so I'm so ready to be done.  I'm ready to get a job and be a grown up and get my own place so I can make weird crafts and live with my cat and reupholster a couch with crazy flower prints.

It's a weird, anxious feeling though.   I am anxiety incarnate. 

I can't control my future exactly, and so I wonder how everything's going to work out and what's going to happen to me and whether or not I'll be stuck here forever.  I won't.

But still.    It's a scary thing to go from like craziness nothing to a whole wide world a new and exciting and positive, but now that I'm bored of that world and ready to jump into the next, it's a little unnerving.  I'm ready for it, and I know it's inevitable, but there's just something I can't scrape off yet.

Maybe I'm just afraid of becoming stuck.

In any case,  I'm ready to get a job.  Ready to make some money.  Ready to start paying off some debt.  Ready to be able to buy nice things for myself.  Ready to do some hair and pursue some kind of suitable, interesting function in this life.

I have an amazing girlfriend who puts up with my anxieties and my craziness.  Her patient, soft pisces-ness (making up words) balances out the nervous impatient neurotic and forever in need of mental stimulation gemini that I am.   She takes such good care of me and I don't know what I'd do without her at this point. 


RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO SEW PILLOWS AND MAKE COLLAGES AND GO TO DISNEYLAND AND TURN SOMEONE BLONDE. 


Fffffffffff

but it is midnight and I need to find the off switch to my head for tonight

Brusha brusha brusha

I've developed a hankering for teeth.

"you will never be as young as you are today" so says my kombucha bottle

Long time no talk.

Today I sit at a table at school staring off blankly into the rows of stations and the color bar and at jars of barbicide. I feel like shit today. Just physically. It's been three days since I quit smoking, and my body is going through a weird shock of sorts. I have a gross dry cough and my lungs feel heavy and my body is hazy. I feel like I could sleep for days. I'm hoping this ends soon.

My girlfriend and I decided to quit together after I had an asthma attack from smoking one cigarette before bed. I smoke a pack a day and now I'm down to nothing and my body is freaking out, "Bailie, what the fuck are you doing to me?".

So it's commenced this health kick. We're drinking water and kombucha and eating so much green and it feels good and I like it. I'm just ready for the detoxing to end!

Otherwise, I've been a stressful busy bee. My stateboard date is on October 7. That's so so so soon. I can't believe it's already here. I feel like a week ago I started school, and now I'm four feet from the finish line.

While I stress, I'm working on things to keep me occupied and things to keep me content. Things that drive away the boredom. Expensive nail polish and movies and books and collages and silly friends and putting more holes in my ears and daydreaming about necklaces made of wisdom teeth.

So far it might be working.


And even then, at this moment I miss my girlfriend. Despite the fact that she's in the room next to me, I miss her company. Her just sitting next to me and us talking frantically about hidden messages in movies an ouija boards and conspiracy theories and ridiculous Bill Cosby sweaters and shoes.

S asked me if I ever get tired of seeing her so much, since I see her everyday. That question baffled me. I don't feel like I could ever get tired of her. I get tired when I'm not around her all the time.

There's just an important fiber missing in the fabric of everything when I can't see her smile or her bright orange hair, or being able to smell her perfume when she's sitting next to me. Her warm hands and her lively voice that's like a lightning bolt to my god damn chest.


Really though, I say all of this because my nose is stuffy and my head's a little warm and my stomach aches and I wanna bunch up on the couch with blankets and her and watch scary movies until I eventually just fall asleep.


Too bad I have no more sick days to take at school!

GOOD MORNING SUNSHINE

It's been awhile!  

I've been super busy and I've kind of forgotten about this thing, but here I am.  

It's Monday, I'm home!   Peculiar, because usually I'm at work on Mondays, but a string of shit and good things have been happening lately.   I lost my job a couple weeks ago, which might be a blessing in disguise.   Having no money sucks, but I'm finding ways to get by, but it leaves me open for more time to study and relax.   I needed relaxing time.

My schedules been packed.    A week or so ago I was the hair and makeup artist for the guests at Kintokicon.  It was a small-scale convention in Sacramento, but the experience was good.  It was a little flash from the past, because I haven't done visual kei style hair and makeup in years!  Years!   I used to wake up everyday and smear on the black eyeliner and tease my black choppy hair up everyday.  But I've fallen out of that scene now, so it was interesting to be able to get a glimpse of it again.

Saturday, my girlfriend and some friends from school and I went to the Hollywood Forever Cemetery to watch The Warriors.  I never knew they had movie screenings there every Saturday, but it was fucking cool.   Sitting in a giant creepy graveyard with a few hundred people.   To be fair though, the creepiness ends up being downplayed by the clouds of weed smoke and the clinking of beer bottles and the hipsters cuddling together in the cold, but I loved it.   Next week is Ghost Busters I think.  

All around though, it's been a good month!  I had my birthday, which was good.  Been running around.   Been doing a lot of hair.   I'm pre-applying for my stateboard test.   GONNA GET LICENSED, GONNA DO SOME HAIR.

 

Lazy eye

Portfolio!  Yes!

I really don't know.

It's those late night thoughts that always get to me.

It's that weird uncertainty and anxiety that sets in for no reason.  The worry that what you're doing now isn't really doing anything for you, and to get ready, because you're about to become stuck.

Despite doing everything right, there's always that nagging fear for the future.  Just what if it doesn't all turn out the way it should.  What am I gonna do?

WHEN DOES MONEY START GROWING ON TREES?

I like this

Nearing the end of May, going about my business, school ends in four months, bored of waiting for next month...


I like this twist.

Sometimes I wish I could have someone close by punch me in the stomach to kill all of the butterflies up in there, but really I like it, so..

I dunno, I miss your face too.  See you on Tuesday.

we'll travel 'round the world just you and me punk rock girl

I'm retarded.

But I got a badass book of color formulations now, so I'm gonna put off going to bed because I got work in the morning and nerd out to this.


Fuck yeah