it is way too late for this what are you doing with your life

I'm up past my bedtime as usual with weird blasts of ideas and ramblings and projects I want to do.  Trying to wait the hour to update the ol' iphone. 


I have 8 days of school left, and I'm conveniently trying to push them all farther and farther down the line of upcoming days, in a sad attempt to delay my departure.

The parallel of me now and me a year ago is really funny.   A year ago I was so super excited and motivated and ambitious....  and me a year later is now over it and ready to get out of school and ready to jump into the world, I suppose.  

Truthfully, I'm also scared to.  I'm a little scared to leave the comfort of school, the comfort of seeing my girlfriend every day.   But, all of my friends have graduated now and I'm kind of the only kid of my kind left and so I'm so ready to be done.  I'm ready to get a job and be a grown up and get my own place so I can make weird crafts and live with my cat and reupholster a couch with crazy flower prints.

It's a weird, anxious feeling though.   I am anxiety incarnate. 

I can't control my future exactly, and so I wonder how everything's going to work out and what's going to happen to me and whether or not I'll be stuck here forever.  I won't.

But still.    It's a scary thing to go from like craziness nothing to a whole wide world a new and exciting and positive, but now that I'm bored of that world and ready to jump into the next, it's a little unnerving.  I'm ready for it, and I know it's inevitable, but there's just something I can't scrape off yet.

Maybe I'm just afraid of becoming stuck.

In any case,  I'm ready to get a job.  Ready to make some money.  Ready to start paying off some debt.  Ready to be able to buy nice things for myself.  Ready to do some hair and pursue some kind of suitable, interesting function in this life.

I have an amazing girlfriend who puts up with my anxieties and my craziness.  Her patient, soft pisces-ness (making up words) balances out the nervous impatient neurotic and forever in need of mental stimulation gemini that I am.   She takes such good care of me and I don't know what I'd do without her at this point. 


RIGHT NOW I JUST WANT TO SEW PILLOWS AND MAKE COLLAGES AND GO TO DISNEYLAND AND TURN SOMEONE BLONDE. 


Fffffffffff

but it is midnight and I need to find the off switch to my head for tonight